What even is a “season series” anyways?

I am faced here with two options.

Either:

• The Senators are suddenly a bad hockey whenever they play Buffalo. Like, tremendously bad. Like, for whatever reason, the moment they see the 6’6 Arizona-born behemoth that is Tage Thompson, their balls shrink back into their bodies and they recess to their pre-novice era selves, unable to so much as skate backwards or remember how to shoot anywhere that isn’t 20 feet wide of the net.

OR

• The Senators are actually an incredible hockey team, and losing to Buffalo is in fact a calculated maneuver. You see, while lesser teams might be concerned with trivial matters like “clinching a wild card spot” or “winning hockey games” or “playing defense”, the Senators understand the real point of NHL hockey—slowly driving Sabres fans to insanity until the franchise eventually crumbles entirely, hopefully taking the entire city with it and leaving a 52.5 square mile sinkhole in the middle of New York state. By handing the Sabres two points on a silver platter, Ottawa is ensuring that Buffalo doesn’t bottom out entirely, keeping them from securing yet another generational draft talent and leaving them languishing at the bottom of the standings for years to come. It’s called the long game, idiots. And it’s not just about losing to Buffalo. The tricky part of the plan is to get absolutely dominated by Buffalo, to the tune of a 17-5 scoring differential over four games this season. To the untrained eye, this may seem like an embarrassing blunder that will undoubtedly lower moral and shunt the confidence of the locker room. But I know better. This is actually a very shrewd tactical move by Travis Green. It’s all about subtly manipulating the league’s perception of Ottawa as a non-threat, ensuring that teams underestimate them when it really matters. Green has a long-term vision here—build character, sharpen resilience, and ultimately lull the Eastern Conference into complacency before his Senators unleash their masterstroke—a stunning first round exit in five games to the Florida Panthers.

Anyways, onto the actual game.

My main takeaway is this: Can we all collectively petition the league to test James Reimer for PEDs? According to Statmuse, he’s played the Sens more than any other team is his career (32 games!), and is somehow holding a .925 SV% with 19 wins. That shouldn’t be possible. He’s a career .910 goalie and he’s THIRTY SEVEN YEARS OLD, for Christ’s sake. At the very least, can someone get him to cough up a urine sample? I’d ask him myself, but something tells me he wouldn’t appreciate that very much…

On the flip side, if anyone has access to Ullmark’s water bottle and can slip a little something something in there, please do so. Maybe some kind of vision enhancing supplement? You know, so he doesn’t lose sight of point shots and/or pucks that drop directly in front of him.

Other thoughts:

• Tim. Please. For the love of God. Shoot the puck. The cross-ice one touch passes are pretty when they work, but when they go directly to the opposing team 9 out of 10 times, maybe we ought to think up some new ideas. And if you’re really hellbent on keeping that playmaking mindset alive, think of it like a pass. Like a really hard saucer pass, directly at the opposing goalie. Do that.
• Is Tyler Kleven is the new Tyler Myers when it comes to making random Cale Makar-esque end-to-end rushes once a game, seemingly out of nowhere? That first goal was beautiful, and isn’t getting talked about enough. He’s been a bright spot for me the last couple weeks, playing really solid D while starting to provide genuine offensive upside. Now if we could just find him a NHL-caliber partner…
• 27 blocked shots for Buffalo. 5 for Jacob Bernard-Docker. Well, thank god he’s on our team. (Checks notes). Wait a minute.

Anyways, let’s all take solace in the fact that recent oddsmakers have the Sens playoffs odds at 98.5%. There’s no way they can choke that hard, right? RIGHT!?

Games against the Lighting and the Panthers to round out the week. Hoping to take at least one of them, but we shall see.