Pittsburgh wins and Chris Kunitz smiles from the grave (he’s not dead, but a boy can dream)

Yesterday we got to watch approximately 58 minutes of the most boring hockey seen this season, with the exception of every single game the New York Islanders have played. But don’t fret, those of us watching from the West Coast only had to sacrifice our entire afternoons to watch this monstrosity, which was inexplicably scheduled at 5pm EST, giving the Senators less than 24 hours to wrap up their victory against Columbus, travel from Ottawa to Pittsburgh, and suck down a couple gobbleritos before hitting the ice.

Despite that, the Sens looked plenty dangerous from the jump on Sunday, putting early chances on Tristan Jarry (wait, aren’t you an AHL goalie?) to the tune of 16 shots in the first period.

However, much like Aaron Ekblad when he forgets his special toiletry bag at home, by the third period, the Sens were out of juice.

Enter the Sidney Crosby fan club, who during the second intermission somehow managed to sneak into the referees dressing room, drug them, stuff them in a broom closet, and assume their identities, all so they could let their glorious king wallop Artem Zub multiple times in the face with his glove on and somehow get away with offsetting minors. They then pulled him aside and told him “look, Syd, the next time Ridley Grieg so much as breathes in your direction, go down like a sack of potatoes, and we’ll be sure to call a penalty with less than five seconds to go in regulation”

Leave it up to the refs to ruin an awful amazing game that I was not at all super invested in.

Finally, in an attempt to make all Senators fans commit a mass exodus from living, Crosby ended the game on an overtime slap shot from the point, which rocketed over the shoulder of Anton Forsberg in an eerie repeat of 2017. In other news, Craig Anderson was diagnosed with PTSD and is currently screaming “they screened me! my own players screened me!” from a psych ward somewhere in Illinois.

Bitterness aside, the Penguins probably deserved the W. They were the better team down the stretch and newly minted rookie Ville Koivunen has some seriously beautiful lettuce. Like, honestly, has anyone seen this kid? I would wear his scalp like a hat.

In the meantime, Sens fans can be content with the fact that Anton Forsberg played his heart out, the team showed some relatively strong defense despite being clearly exhausted, and Fabian Zetterlund is primed to become our next Swedish saviour once someone informs him that his shots are supposed to end up in the back of the net.

Next up, Buffalo. A team who we’ve thankfully played really well against this seas- OH NO.